Come One…Come All…to Your Epic Show of Shows Tonight

by Charles S. Garabedian

Portland Strawberries

Mamasita and Little Pepe’s Target for Sabotage

Master liar, President Donald J. Trump, gives his State of the Onion address tonight in the U.S. House of Representatives. Why state of the onion?  Well, you have to peel back the layers to see how much of your country is still left intact since last year at this time. The folks at CNN already have their own headline for it:

State of the Union Promises Epic Drama

Who could resist a news headline like that one?  I would have said “Epic Dramar,” but no need for semantics and parsing of words here. Any way you go, this speech is going to be both epic and weird—no telling what will happen. High comedy?  Perhaps. High tragedy—almost certainly.  Goofus from the podium?  You betcha!!!

You see. It all begins this week in Phillip….uh…Earnest.  (I am always hearing about the things going on inside Earnest, but has anyone ever met this Earnest guy?)  Whatever. This is the week when all of those Democrat-led committees in the U.S. House of Representatives get their many investigations of Trump and his administration fully underway.  The letters have been sent out.  The subpoenas have been issued, sent, and received.  Those called to testify before the committees begin taking their oaths and sitting in their hot seats to testify this week.

Mr. Lar-Lar Pants on Far knows the temperature of the oven is being turned all the way up to full heat this week. It is the week when the Trump roasting begins. It all started yesterday when multiple subpoenas were sent out to various people, demanding that they come forward and explain about all that crazy-odd-weirdo stuff that was going on with the Trump inauguration—and all that money associated with Puttin’ on the Ritz. Some really strange poop was going on with those inauguration funds, and various authorities want to get to the bottom of it all.  In particular, they want to know whether the far-more-than-usual inaugural event funds (like close to double the $millions usually spent on an inauguration) were coming in from foreign people and foreign governments trying to purchase access to and favors from President Trump. You know about purchasing access and special favors:

Hello. My name is Habib-al-Azzizazz. How much would it cost me to buy a private meeting with Mr. Trump. I and my entourage are already spending a fortune at the posh Trump Hotel here in D.C. How much more will it cost me for that meeting with the big guy? Really? Just $1,000,000? I already have that here in my briefcase. What?  Pay you now?  Most certainly!!!  What an opportunity!!!!

Just in case you were not aware of it already, that kind of payola scheme—foreigners trading money for special favors from President Trump—is a federal crime. The key question:

Was a payola scheme like this in effect for the Trump inauguration events, and if so, did Trump order it, know about it, or approve it? To put that in Watergate terms: “What did President Trump know and when did his sorry ass know it?”

Trump has had several bad weeks. This week promises to be a doozy. We may learn whether another government shutdown is waiting in the wings.  That would be the West Wing. In the State of the Onion speech tonight, His Royal Lieness may very well announce that he is declaring a National Emergency to gain immediate access to all of the funding needed to build his precious Wall. Mamasita and her little Pepe from Honduras are a clear and present danger to the United States of America. Worst of all, they might help pick the strawberry crop in Portland, Tennessee, in May 2019. That could bring our entire nation to its knees!!!

Trump might even sign the official declaration paper for his National Spanish-Speaking Mother and Child Emergency right then and there tonight—in front of the assembled audience in the U.S. House of Representatives. Talk about epic dramar!!!  He would be undercutting the will of Nancy Pelosi right there in front of her eyes in her own house. Would Trump dare to be so bold and stoop so low just to stab back at her for all of the grief she handed to him in the recent government shutdown? Stay tuned—and we shall see. This could be one super-weird week on Capitol Hill.

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