Which Fundie Preacher Has the Biggest Penis?

Christian fundamentalists and conservative evangelicals have a deep interest in what they call the “end times” prophecies.  If you know anything about your Bible and how to read it literally, you will recall that Jesus warned believers not to speculate and predict the details of the so-called “end times.”  Jesus further emphasized that even He did not know when such times would come—only the Father did. In direct defiance of what Jesus commanded, many fundies have turned such rank speculation into a cottage industry worth millions of dollars—to themselves.  You may read about that in the following recent article:

WAPO Article on End Times Prophecy and Politics in the United States

The author of the foregoing article sees the personal enrichment of preachers with money and material possessions as the primary reason certain well-known fundies engage in end times nonsense. However, he overlooks the fact that numerous, far-lesser-moneyed preachers in Fundieland are also obsessed with end times prophecy.  Why is that?  It could be any number of things, but we have a specific opinion of our own on this matter.

Here at the Flee from Christian Fundamentalism blog, we suspect it is a spiritual mojo contest that boils down to a figurative comparison of spiritual penis sizes among fundie preachers and their ministries. It is reminiscent of this variation on the old Ken-L-Ration dog food jingle of the 1960s:

My penis is better than your penis.

My penis is better than yours.

My penis is better ’cause it gets the end times.

My penis is better than yours.

 

My penis is bigger than your penis.

My penis is smarter than yours.

My penis is bigger!!!—faster!!!—shinier!!!

My penis is better ’cause it gets the end times.

My penis is better than yours.

 

My penis is better than your penis.

My penis is better than yours.

My penis is  better  ’cause it gets the end times.

My penis is better than yours.

This comparison determines which fundie preachers’ ministries have been endowed miraculously with the biggest spiritual penises—and the biggest spiritual penises win the contest. In turn, the penis admiration and envy of all the other fundie preachers and their ministries (and followers) will suddenly catapult the winners to the stratospheric zenith of honor, power, and glory in Fundieland. All eyes in Fundieland will then be turned upon them in future years. What might that look like?  Here is our version with an imaginary fundie preacher speaking to a friend on May 18, 1948:

You know Fred.  Just four days ago on May 14, 1948, a new state of Israel was declared by the Jewish people in the Middle East. If you will recall, in our Christian fundamentalist eschatology, we have long thought that Israel would one day be re-established as a nation in the Middle East—and this would be a primary sign that the end times are right upon us. Man-oh-man!!!  How I wish!!!  Eight years ago, I could have prophesied to the people in my congregation that Israel would be re-established on May 14, 1948. I could have even advertised it to the whole world. It would have meant so much to me and my ministry to have nailed that one. Just think. I would have been the biggest and most important preacher in all of Fundieland.  All the other fundie preachers would have marveled at me and commented about how powerful the Holy Spirit is in me compared to all the other Christian fundamentalist preachers.  With that kind of attention, the sky!!! No—the heavens!!!!  The heavens would have been the only limit for me and my ministry.

Yep.  Make a wild and lucky guess.  Call it a miraculous revelation from on high. Attribute it to the Holy Spirit, a sure sign of your great faithfulness above that of all other men. You have miraculously “proven” that your spiritual penis is much bigger, faster, and shinier than the spiritual penises of all the other fundie preachers. You and your ministry are now the BMIF (Big Man in Fundieland).

I suspect lesser fundie preachers will keep on prophesying copiously about the “end times.” They will put predictions and dates out there for everyone to see. Statistically, if enough fundie preachers predict some future “end times” event or outcome enough times, one of them is bound to eventually get lucky.  Then they have it made!  The actual “end times” may still be thousands of years into the distant future, but that one preacher and his ministry will “beedah man” in his own times.

Personally speaking, I hope these fundie pastors and their small ministries can remember the command of Jesus not to engage in speculations about the so-called “end times.”  The goal of the Christian faith is not to “beedah man” and reap personal power and glory from one’s ministerial peers and their followers. The real goal of the Christian faith is to “follodah man” named Jesus.

Footnote: We have placed quotation marks around the term “end times” in the above text because there is no such thing as the “end times” in the Bible or Christian theology. The term “end times” is a Christian fundamentalist and conservative evangelical misnomer. The New Testament does not talk about the end of time or the end of the world. Instead, it speaks about the end of an old age and the beginning of another age right after it.  That age is the Kingdom of God.

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