Which Fundie Preacher Has the Biggest Penis?

Christian fundamentalists and conservative evangelicals have a deep interest in what they call the “end times” prophecies.  If you know anything about your Bible and how to read it literally, you will recall that Jesus warned believers not to speculate and predict the details of the so-called “end times.”  Jesus further emphasized that even He did not know when such times would come—only the Father did. In direct defiance of what Jesus commanded, many fundies have turned such rank speculation into a cottage industry worth millions of dollars—to themselves.  You may read about that in the following recent article:

The Second Coming, Prophecy, and Politics in America

The author of the foregoing article sees the personal enrichment of preachers with money and material possessions as the primary reason certain well-known fundies engage in end times nonsense. However, he overlooks the fact that numerous, far-lesser-moneyed preachers in Fundieland are also obsessed with end times prophecy.  Why is that?  It could be any number of things, but we have a specific opinion of our own on this matter.

Here at the Flee from Christian Fundamentalism blog, we suspect it is a spiritual mojo contest that boils down to a figurative comparison of spiritual penis sizes among fundie preachers and their ministries.  This comparison determines which fundie Preachers-Ministries have been endowed miraculously with the biggest spiritual penises—and the biggest spiritual penises win the contest.  In turn, the penis admiration and envy of all the other Preachers-Ministries (and their followers) will suddenly catapult the winners to the stratospheric zenith of honor, power, and glory in Fundieland. All eyes in Fundieland will then be turned upon them in future years.  What might that look like?  Here is our version  with an imaginary fundie preacher speaking to a friend on May 18, 1948:

You know Fred.  Just four days ago on May 14, 1948, a new state of Israel was declared by the Jewish people in the Middle East. If you will recall, in our fundie Biblical eschatology, we have long thought that Israel would one day be re-established in the Middle East—and this would be a primary sign that the end times are right upon us.  Man oh man!!!  How I wish!!!  Eight years ago, I could have prophesied to the people in my congregation that Israel would be re-established on May 14, 1948. I could have even advertised it to the public.  It would have meant so much to me and my ministry to have nailed that one.  Just think.  I would have been the biggest and most important preacher in all of Fundieland.  All the other fundie preachers would have marveled at me and commented about how powerful the Holy Spirit is in me compared to all the other fundie preachers.  With that kind of attention, the sky—no the heavens—would have been the limit for me and my ministry.

Yep.  Make a wild and lucky guess.  Call it a miraculous revelation from on high.  Attribute it to the Holy Spirit, a sure sign of your great faithfulness above that of all other men.  You have miraculously “proven” that your spiritual penis is much bigger than the spiritual penises of all the other fundie preachers.  You and your ministry are now the BMIF (Big Man in Fundieland).

I suspect lesser fundie preachers will keep on prophesying copiously about the “end times.” They will put predictions and dates out there for everyone to see. Statistically, if enough fundie preachers predict some future “end times” event or outcome enough times, one of them is bound to eventually get lucky.  Then they got it made.  The actual end times may still be thousands of years into the distant future, but that one preacher and his ministry will “beedah man” in his own times.

Personally speaking, I hope these fundie pastors and their small ministries can remember the command of Jesus not to engage in speculations about the so-called end times.  The goal of the Christian faith is not to “beedah man” and reap power and glory from one’s ministerial peers and their followers.  The real goal is to “follodah man” named Jesus.

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