Fundie Legal Concerns. What to Do? What to Do?

by Charles S. Garabedian

The Christian fundamentalists and conservative evangelicals still have their underwear all in a twist about gay marriage, transgender restrooms, and other such things. Take a look at the following article:

Supreme Court May Be Converting on Religion

Christian fundamentalists and conservative evangelicals are getting really concerned about recent federal court rulings that go against them. Here is the key money quote from the above article:

We’re seeing the red flags, Waggoner says. The risk is Americans will no longer have the right to live consistent with their faith without punishment from the government.

Please allow me to translate that quote for you kind readers by converting it from the unique language called Fundie Speak into everyday American English:

We are really concerned. Our plan all along has been to use our selective whines for religious freedom as the key basis for forcing all Americans to bow down to our Christian fundamentalist and conservative evangelical moral standards. We had thought this would allow us to cleverly twist the U.S. Constitution in order to strike back at and punish our Mainline Christian and secular nonChristian enemies. We also thought it would make us feel as if we are the exclusive spiritual owners of the United States of America and everyone in it. However, it appears now that the federal judiciary has caught on to our devious scheme, and our pathway to victory, control, and domination over our enemies has been blocked—perhaps forever.  Oh, woe is us!!!

Yes indeed.  Oh, woe is you. If you people would ever bother to read some books on American history and the American legal system, you would discover that this sort of nonsense was tried once before—and it failed. Can you say judicial precedent? Some Christian fundamentalists and conservative evangelicals who hated African-American people in the 1950s and 1960s tried to claim the old religious myth that black people were the cursed children of Ham—and that God himself had set them apart as unequal to the white man. Therefore, desegregation and equal rights for African-American people were against the will of God and against their fundie religion:

Yeah!!!  Yeah!!!  That’s the ticket to maintaining my racism. I will file a lawsuit to keep negro people out of my all-white restaurant and claim that desegregation of my restaurant violates my religious freedom. Yeah!!! Yeah!!!  That will work.  It’s gotta work.

You fundies are so incredibly stupid. It just defies description. This strategy did not work back then, and it is not going to work now. Do you really think you can roll back the day-after abortion pill by convincing fundie pharmacists all across the United States to refuse the filling of RU-486 prescriptions? Do you seriously think you can strike back at LGBTQ people by convincing fundie businesses to refuse service to LGBTQ people—and then claim that this service is being refused on religious freedom grounds. No one is going to let you do these sorts of things and get away with them. The American judicial system has a long history of refusing people the authority to use their demands for certain civil rights as a tool to take away another person’s civil rights.

Then the fundies say something along the lines of:

What do you sinners expect us to do? We Christian fundamentalists and conservative evangelicals have been defeated and marginalized at nearly every turn in the road since women got the right to vote. You defeated us in the Scopes Monkey Trial in 1925. You defeated us on prohibition of alcoholic beverages. You defeated us on public school and business desegregation. You allowed  beer sales on Sundays. You allowed work on Sundays. You took away our other Sunday blue laws. You defeated us on coerced public school prayer and Bible study. Your birth control pills led to the 1960s Sexual Revolution that destroyed the Victorian old prude sexual standards we set for you.

You defeated us on feminism and women’s rights, which  destroyed the American family. You defeated us on teaching creation science in public schools. You defeated us on politics and church tax exemptions. You used the IRS to force us to accept racial minority students into our all-white fundie colleges. You used the IRS to force our white fundie colleges to admit married students of mixed races. You defeated us on intelligent design. You defeated us on gay marriage. It looks as if you are going to defeat us on transgender restrooms. You people are closing in tightly on us from all sides!!! We can hardly breathe anymore and are nearing desperation.  What do you people expect us to do?!!

What do the American people expect you to do?  Here are a few important starters to consider:

(1) The American people expect you to realize and understand that Christian fundamentalists and conservative evangelicals are a minority group in a country with 326,000,000 people. Many mainline Christian denominations are opposed to you and your crazy religious antics. A majority of the American people want little or nothing to do with you because of the mean-spirited, unloving, hateful, and sometimes violent ways you have treated them. A minority group like yours cannot claim exclusive ownership of a whole nation. It cannot claim the right to be the tail that wags the national dog. The best thing for you to do is stand down before a majority of the American people run out of patience one day and get so tired of the abuse that they will have no option left but to knock you down.

(2)   The American people expect you to quit trying to take over the seats and offices of government so you can use their administrative, legal, military, and police powers to force your peculiar fundie beliefs on people who do not subscribe to those beliefs. You claim this authoritarian approach is the way radical Islam operates, and you swear up and down that you are opposed to this kind of forced religion “by the sword.” However, you easily forget that this is precisely the way many of your own fundie faith leaders operate in this country today. You look like the Taliban to many Americans.

Not even God himself forces his religious will on men and women—having decreed that all men and women must freely choose Jesus or reject him. You choose to ignore God’s will and try to manipulate government authority to force your peculiar religious beliefs onto men, women, and children against their own consciences in defiance of Romans 14. This is both unChristian and unAmerican. Stop it!!!

(3)   Consider the very real possibility that your religious beliefs are misguided and wrong because they are the unique spawn of a peculiar, homemade, down home American religion that is only about 100 years old. Do you seriously believe that God completely abandoned the Christian faith and lost it for 1,900 years. Then a few Calvinist preachers and some local rutabagas in the Northeast region and the Great Lakes region of the United States found it and restored it to God just 100 years ago?  Come on!!!  Admit the truth. The only reason you believe this fundie nonsense is because your moms, dads, and a few misguided rural preachers taught it to you. What did they know about the real history and roots of the Christian faith?  That is right. Almost nothing!!! You do not have to be a Christian fundamentalist or conservative evangelical nutjob to be a saved-by- grace follower of Jesus Christ.

(4)    After the Scopes Monkey Trial came to an end in Dayton, Tennessee in 1925, it was clear to highly regarded fundie leaders that they had won the trial verdict—but lost the war of words and public opinion on evolution. Christian fundamentalism became the laughingstock of the United States and much of the world—not because the world was evil—but because the fundies of that day were wrong about evolution—just as they are still wrong about it today. After the 1925 trial, fundie leaders recommended a massive retreat, total separation, and isolationism for the entire fundie flock. That is a matter of recorded religious history in the United States. They invoked the doctrine of separation from sinners and a sinful world and asked the entire fundie flock to separate, which it did. This separation persisted from 1925 until about 1970.

(5) Fundies have this same separation choice still open to them today—one recommended by the oldest, best, and most highly regarded fundie preachers of the early 20th century. All you have to do is admit Jerry Falwell was wrong about the ability of fundies to rescue American culture; admit that the effort has failed miserably and will continue to fail; admit that Jesus does not back your cause to take over the United States (hence that long stretch of fundie defeats listed earlier); and then separate yourselves from all modern day sinners—which are most of the American people.

Separate yourselves from the Mainline Christians you hate so much. Separate yourselves from the Roman Catholic Church you have always hated. Separate yourselves from the people of other religions you hate so much—particularly Muslims. Separate yourselves from the hated agnostics, atheists, secular humanists, and “nones.” Separate yourselves from the African-American people, Hispanic people, and all of the other racial and ethnic minority groups you have hated historically—and still do. Separate yourselves from that enormous mass of movie-watching, rock-and-roll dancing, beer-bellied Americans. Separate!!!

Buy a small farm in a remote rural area; take your entire family there; live off the land; establish and enforce Old Testament law, fundie right doctrines, rot docterns, preacher rules, and Bobble Bleevin within your farm boundary fences. Settle down. Go into town only when you need to buy something you cannot grow or make on the farm. Talk to as few sinners as possible when you arrive in town. If you get bored, go sit on a hillside, rest a spell, and wait for Jesus to come back. If all your ignorant, two-bit preachers are correct, these are the last few days of the end times. Jesus could come back and rapture you out of here any second.

We do not recommend holding your breath until this rapture comes because we do not believe in a pretribulation rapture and doubt that such an event is ever coming. Why? The whole notion of a pretribulation rapture was invented in the year 1830, only 188 years ago, by a rhubarb Irish-British preacher named John Nelson Darby. Darby’s wild ideas were later marketed to the American people by C.I. Scofield, a lawyer and self-made preacher who never earned a divinity degree from any seminary. Once again, Darby invented the rapture—all the while claiming it was some sort of special revelation to him from Heaven. The rapture is not now—and never was—a tenet of traditional, historical, orthodox Christianity—going from 1830 all the way back to 33 A.D. If you are a sola scriptura fundamentalist, there is no way you can believe in Darby’s supposed revelation.  You can take that to the bank and cash it.

Meanwhile, the rest of us Americans will avoid bothering you fundies as much as possible and be more than happy to let you believe all your fundie nonsense. We will pass on by you, get on with our lives, and follow Jesus according to the traditional ancient ways of our Christian faith. If you get raptured off your hillside, we will smile and wave as you float up into the clouds.

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