Getting You Ready for the RNC on Monday

The Republican National Convention (RNC) begins today in Cleveland, Ohio.  Some of the brightest lites in Christian fundamentalism and conservative evangelicalism will give speeches about how God loves the people of the United States—but He is extremely angry at the American nation and its people because of their sins, particularly the sins of abortion and LGBTQ civil rights.

Some fundie sects believe God rejected Israel as his chosen people because the 1st century Jews rejected Jesus as their Messiah.  Across 1,730 years, God longed for and pined for another chosen people on Earth to replace the Israel who had rejected Jesus—but none were found to be worthy—that is until 1776.  These same fundies believe God then chose the American people and the newly founded United States of America as his second chosen people and New Israel.  (Laugh if you like.  I was actually taught this one morning in my Sunday school class at a conservative Southern Baptist Convention megachurch in Tennessee.)  The appointed tasks of this new, all-American Israel were to impose Old Testament Biblical law on all of the American people; rule all the nations of the Earth with an iron fist to please God, establish peace, and limit evil; and rapidly spread the urgent gospel of salvation in these current times. Fundies earnestly regard our current times to be the apocalyptic end times revealed in the Book of Revelations.  (Never mind that Jesus and the apostles clearly said those events would occur in their own generation.)

Unfortunately, the United States and its people have failed to take their God-appointed mission seriously, and with it, our whole nation has fallen into the deepest, most depraved, and vilest crevice of unbridled sin imaginable. (This is sin as understood from the unique fundie perspective.)  Because of this sin, God has turned his back on the American people; has walked away from our nation; and has refused to further shield the American state and most Americans from harm as He did for 215 years. The events of September 11, 2001; the Great Recession of 2008; our perpetually slow economy; powerful weather events; ISIS attacks on American soil, and ISIS attacks on our favorite European countries are all regarded as unmistakable proof of a long-departed God. Indeed, the most important and unmistakable sign of this departed God was the 2008 and 2012 election of an African-American man (Mr. Barack Obama) to be President of the United States.  Such a vile electoral outcome could have happened only in a nation that had been totally forsaken by God.

The fundie preachers and parachurch surrogates at the RNC will tell Americans (in so many words—more or less) that all they have to do is perform a few simple acts. These simple acts shall bring back this departed God, put Americans under his good graces again, cause him to save our nation from utter destruction, and motivate him to send a deluge of blessings down upon our country.  What are those simple acts?  The American people must repent of their many sins against Old Testament law, New Testament law (whatever that is), fundie right doctrines, fundie rot docterns, and traditional fundie lifestyle rules. Americans must repent of anything and everything that feels and looks like the Christian LOVE that pervades the words of Jesus, the 12 disciples, and the apostles in the New Testament. Americans must repent of being kind, being merciful, and giving help to the millions of people Jesus called the “least of these” (needy people of all kinds really) in the Bible.  You must promise that you will never again lift a finger to help them—and most of all—you must promise you will never again allow the U.S. Government to do anything to help them—because our nation cannot afford it. After all, money is always more important than people.  All “true” Christians know that simple fact.

Finally, and perhaps most of all, Americans must repent of abortion in all its forms and put a 100 percent end to it; repent of letting LGBTQ people come out of their closets; and show you really mean your repentance by making the lives of pregnant teenagers (a.k.a. sexually immoral little tarts) and sexually immoral LGBTQ people as miserable as possible whenever and wherever you can find a way.  Go after the LGBTQ menace with a vengeance, and make sure that stupid little tart has her baby. The intense pain of childbirth and raising her child in grinding, hopeless poverty are both the punishments from God that she and her little love child so richly deserve for her sexual immorality—and by God you need to make sure it happens in your role as a good fundie Christian.  Do  this and all of the rest above, and God shall save the United States of America; its people shall be blessed; and our nation shall be henceforth protected from all foreign and domestic enemies.  These enemies include mainline Christians (all apostates who hate God), ISIS, Al Qaeda, Islam, Sharia Law, and all the peaceful, two-bit, piece-of-poop Muslim families who live in your neighborhood and want to build a mosque in your hometown.

Fundie speakers at the RNC will also insist that you must believe in one of the BIGGEST LIES FOR JESUS that has ever been told.  This is a uniquely Christian fundamentalist and conservative evangelical lie of modern times—one perennially perpetuated by a right wing, extremist Republican in Texas who has no academic degree in American history or any other kind of history. His name is David Barton—a man who has been repeatedly accused of being a Christian reconstructionist/dominionist and a liar.  Here is the big lie: The United States of America was founded as a Christian nation. It most certainly was not!!!  You would be hard-pressed to find any Professor of American History, at a nonfundie private university or a state university, who believes this Christian nation nonsense. The facts of American history simply do not support it.  I dare you—I triple dog dare you—to call up a random American history professor at a nonfundie private university or state university in your state and simply ask. He or she will tell you the unvarnished truth that I am telling you here:  The United States of America was not founded as a Christian nation. So, why are the RNC preachers telling you this Christian nation lie?

Well, it goes something like this—but going into this explanation—you must remember that in the unique language called fundie speak—the word “Christian” applies to fundies and fundies only.  If you want to take back something that once belonged to you, then you must have once owned it as your exclusive and rightful property.  You cannot take back something you never owned.  Christian fundamentalists and conservative evangelicals are always talking about their need to take back the United States, which they believe is somehow their exclusive historical property that God gave them—and them alone—to hold and rule with an iron hand.  In their view, screw American citizens who are mainline Roman Catholics, United Methodists, Cooperative Fellowship Baptists, Lutherans, Episcopalians, Presbyterians, Greek Orthodox, etc.; screw Americans of other religions; and screw Americans with no religion.  All these people have no right whatsoever to feel that this American nation is in any way theirs.  They stole the United States from the rightful fundie owners, and they are going to take it back from them.  After all, this nation was meant to be an exclusively fundie nation.  In fact, the idea that the United States is somehow a Christian nation is a recent, false, highly propagandized, and self-serving fairy tale that was dreamed up by the fundies in a hollow attempt to legitimate taking back past ownership of an American nation that they, in fact,  never exclusively owned.  As Katie Couric might say, “Got it?”

Now let us review a couple of key terms used in the paragraphs above. What is a rot doctern?  A rot doctern is a term that refers to extra-Biblical garbage that Christian fundamentalists and conservative evangelicals believe in and will often defend to the death. Fundie rot docterns are by their very nature false, self-serving, and rotten to the core.  Lying for Jesus is an example of a rot doctern.  The concept that the United States was founded as a Christian nation is another rot doctern. The fundies hold fast to many—perhaps hundreds—of these rot docterns, and this is often done both unconsciously and consciously.

What are traditional fundie lifestyle rules?  Have no wine, beer, or liquor with dinner.  Make sure the boys and girls do not swim in the same pool water together. Always follow the 6-inch rule.  Never kiss a man until after you are married.  Never go see a movie or only see movies rated G.  Avoid the sin of dancing.  Do not rebel against authority. If you are female and you were raped, it is always your fault—always.  Musical instruments in church are wrong.  Make sure your hemline is at knee level or below it.  Women should not work outside the home.  Women were made to compliment men and serve men.  Barefoot and pregnant is a good thing.  All forms of feminism are wrong—God hates feminists.  Beat your children with the rod when they disobey—and hide the blood, broken bones, and scars.  Modern contraception methods are evil because Satan invented them to spark the sexual revolution of the 1960s. Psychiatrists and psychologists are instruments of the Devil.  Mental health disorders are all caused by sin—mostly your own sin. Banning books is a good thing. Policemen are always good—and if you are stopped or arrested—you are automatically guilty as sin—forget the trial—just fry him.  Kill guilty human life whenever possible.  As I heard from fundie-oriented Christian adults when I was growing up, racism is a good thing—especially if it involves dirty, rotten, smelly, lazy, no-good-fur-nuthin’ negroes (i.e., all African-Americans).  Hispanic is the new American negro.  “You are all going to Hell.”   (The actual list of fundie lifestyle values is much longer and a truly more ponderous list than this one.)

Yes indeed, dear readers.  You are going to hear a great deal at this RNC meeting–a great deal about restoring American traditional values and “Making America Great Again.”  You will hear that the only way to do that is to drink deeply from the pitcher of poison Kool-Aid embodied in the paragraphs above this one.  You will be told in no uncertain terms that Donald Trump and Mike Pence are the two God-selected men to accomplish this great mission and that Jesus of Nazareth himself has anointed them for this purpose with his very own cupped-hand full of holy oil.

I am predicting this RNC will be a milestone mark in American history, just like the Democratic National Convention in 1968 turned out to be in Chicago, Illinois. It will be marked by demonstrations initiated by people who oppose real evil.  Riots or near riots will break out when Trump/Pence supporters wade into the crowds of demonstrators and initiate violence worthy of Nazi brown shirts. Demonstrators will be beaten and injured—or worse.  In spite of all the security and safety precautions, this convention will turn into one huge zoo of verbal hatred and violence.

The best news coverage of the RNC will be on the Cable News Network (CNN).  I hope you  will watch their coverage and see how all this unfolds.  If Jesus shows up in the middle of this damnable mess, it will be another miracle of Biblical proportions.  Maybe his Holy Spirit will show up to protect and comfort the anti-Trump/Pence demonstrators.

The following song from the late 1960s is dedicated to the minds and hearts of all the people…uh…silly rabbits and stupid fundie preachers who have been sipping the delusional Trump/Pence Kool-Aid:

A Beverage for Silly Rabbits


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